The day after my 1st tea party I decided to write down my thoughts and feeling about the experience. None which were positive... And I couldn't discern whether they were self-imposed or just the cards I was dealt. When I wrote the 1st draft, it was rather somber and written in defeat. I've had some time to process what I felt on the situation now and wanted to share my conclusion.
It happened to be at my 1st con too, a new local anime convention. I'm a bit adverse to crowds so I figured it was a suitable "Baby's first con" and bought the tickets months in advance. Got a few things for the tea party, boyfriend wore his dress pants, vest, and a floral tie to match me. I didn't really get the chance for coord pics. But hopefully I'll redo the coord for you all to see.
Headdress: Antique Beast
Jacket: Baby, the Stars Shine Bright
Jsk: Cornet
Ring: Jane Marple
Bag: Vintage
Socks: Metamorphose
Shoes: Bodyline
I really, really loved this coord! I looked quiet dapper if I do say. This is probably the most *me* I've ever been in lolita. Funny thing about it though, I been trying to channel my inner villainess with my coords. In my princess morebucks bag, Brit & Tiff type deal- antagonist couture!
Business Lolita.
I hardly had any anxiety about dressing eccentric when stepping out my door (4th time in public). It solidified how much I love a prim, polished, and posh look. So I guess tailored and refined is the MO for my wardrobe! Can one have too many suits...?
Anyway.
We got there early for the tea party because I wanted the chance to get good seating, I was excited to finally meet another lolita, and make potential friends. They weren't ready yet so we walked around; I saw some lolitas in the hall. I figured comradery right? And attempted to strike up a convo with them. Maybe we'd be seated together, it felt wrong passing them without some kinda acknowledgement; I see you girl thing. When I approached they seemed a lil confused at first and guarded, maybe I was too friendly- it was a bit awkward, they went back to w.e. they were doing after a short chat on what I was wearing before I got the chance to ask about their coords. I felt like I might of interrupted, but my intentions were good. At the time I was really worried they might have thought I was just trying to show off my coord. Maybe I should of lead with a compliment~ seems to be what the girlies do. I'll just mind my business now lol.
After MANY redos of my RHS straps, we lined up. I was nervous from my previous interaction and didn't talk with the lolitas in front of me- We'd be seated together most likely anyway, I'd try again then.
They went in, I thought we were soon to follow. When a staff member shown us our seats my heart sank. The lolitas in front of me were at a different table with plenty of more seating, and we were sat to a full table of randos. There was only 1 other lolita at the table and just by her face- she had already mentally checked out. My man & I warmly greeted everyone at the table, and was met with silence or that half assed smile... Snubbed.
I could definitely see those sims red ⛔🚹 negatives above everyone's head. Me and my boyfriend looked at each other. Knew this was bout to be some shit, it didn't help that we're the only blacks at the table- it's kinda hard not to wonder if you're getting snubbed for that reason. I quickly began to deflate. The buildup, the prep talks, the desire to genuinely smile at someone and have a good time, escaping me. A reassuring hand fell on my lap as I pinged to literally multiple other seats me/bf & the other lolita could have been sat. Trust that the guy who sat us was mean mugged.
Our rag tag table sat a grandma and a boy, 2 cosplayers (one that was determined to LOUDLY be in character), some sweaty creepy otaku dude, and a couple. And so silence fell on our table as the sound of mingling rung out from the other guest. Should I talk pass the randos to engage with the 1 other miserable lolita? Does she want to talk to me? Increase the obvious fact that we were spectacles at this table? I wondered if that would have been the right move.
Tea was eventually served- well my bf got skipped as well as his neighbor by the staff. I opted for black tea; I actually don't care for tea- unfortunately I was there for the social aspect. While mine seeped I noticed my neighbor managed to get a black cat hair in my cup (7 to a table and we were all very close, my back was to the entire room) ... Welp I don't like tea anyway, right? The staff seemed kinda jumbled so I didn't feel like asking for something fresh when I don't even care for tea. The hostess came around to ask who was there for the tea or the lolita. Me & ole girl (let's call her Frillip for now) said lolita, as well as the creepy dude... Everyone else said tea. The hostess also came to asked who everyone was wearing table by table, I listed my brands, Frillip said AP, and the randos were confused at the question. I had hope there'd be a chance to get up in front of everyone and list your coord- as there was also a best dressed contest, and I wanted the chance to be familiar somewhat with everyone in the room. I'm not sure if that's how it's usually done. I knew something modern sweet was going to win, so I didn't get my hopes up.
After a game or 2, a spelling challenge and tea quiz, food was served.
Chile...
That shit was STALE. I questioned whether the sandwiches were toasted or if the bread was expired. The cookies too. There wasn't even an equal amount of horrible food to share. Nothing that was on the invitation was served, no cake, no egg salad sammies, no bread and cream/jam. I assume it was out of the hostess' hands and whatever the hotel had. Not only was our table dry as hell if cosplayer #2 wasn't screeching nonsense, we couldn't even enjoy what was on our plates!
Boyfriend & I texted our confusion and disappointment. I took to instagram and discord to complain. It was my 1st time doing something like this, seemed like nearly everything went wrong. This wasn't fun... At all.
The maid cafe did 2 numbers. It was super cute. The last game was alright- draw a piece of a coord and pass it to someone else to complete.
Once the hostess announced best lolita and ended the tea party, I hightailed it out. I wanted to get away from my tablemates; away from what felt like a personal failure to my goals for coming to the event in the 1st place. My social battery was depleted, the few times I did talk, crack a joke, my man was the only one to respond. I thought maybe I could try to go up and talk to folks from another table, but they were already breaking up into their cliques from who they sat with and substyles. I saw Frillip bolt away too. I wonder if the hostess took a picture with everyone when it was over- if that was a thing, I wish it was said prior to the end of the tea party.
Afterwards we went to the game room for a tournament. I spectated my boyfriend, eventually a group of a black lolitas sat down on the other side of the room. I wasn't going to risk rejection again though, especially since I was styled differently from everyone. It makes sense to gravitate towards people who mirror your style. I imagine if I was wearing something modern/sweet, if I didn't look like an EGL attorney, maybe people would have felt more interested in talking to me- did they think that my solid & gobelin means I'm less fun than cats and strawberries? Is this villainess thing working against me? Oh god am I giving... Elitist? I began to worry listing every brand I had on might have came off pretentious, even if I was asked. Alas, I'm incredibly human and no stranger to social anxiety, overthinking, or overanalyzing. I was hoping to see another old schooler and talk about how much we love old crusty items too. Hell, or another business lolita, we do the Spiderman point, and form a Tweevils alliance (incorporated of course 🙂)
Jokes aside
I have no expectation for anyone to herd me into social groups to be honest. Not everyone's gonna match your vibe. Kindness, welcoming a new face is all I'd hope for, the rest is up to me to sort through. My boyfriend said I might have channeled the villainess thing a lil too hard and appeared very "ohohohoho" unintentionally to explain my lack of interactions despite attempting.
He believes yall aren't beating the "lolitas are catty bitches" allegations after watching me crash and burn ha. He too tried to formulate what the issue was- even suggested that his imposing and intimidating presence might be spooking potential pals; him being a big dreadhead with a permanent scowl. I'd love to say we'll get em next time champ, but I'm a bit jaded from it all now.
I wasn't expecting to walk away with a friend-that takes time. I did expect the chance to socialize with others, however. I don't want to assume it's an easy task, but I honestly started to consider hosting my own small tea party, wanting a redo- rewrite the experience, even if I don't know a single person in my com, even if I'm still a babylita(?). Bargaining, going through the whole stages of grief thing pfft. (Let's just blame it on me being a Pisces 😭)
I'm happy for the lesson I learned- basically my own company is enough. Originally the community aspect was a big part of why I wanted to become a lolita. I've always been introverted, more on the sidelines in social settings- so finding myself there once again, still, the audacity of it all- truly. Though it took me a while to actually open back up to no longer being platonically single, this very much so felt like a sign on how the universe wants me to go about that lol.
I want to be wiser with how I place my energy and focus more my own enjoyment.
I think I began to romanticize the social aspect of lolita watching others post their lunch dates, twining, having found "lifelong friends through the fashion", even the tea party events I find from the 2000s on the wayback looked awesome.... started to think I was missing out on something. But I'm not. Nor am I closed off from connecting to others but If I have to go through more experiences like THIS to get there, I'm good. Friends are great- I'm sure they've made the fashion 10x better for some, but, It's really okay to be a lonelita, it's alright, seriously.
And though I found myself scrutinizing everything I did, how I did, and what I could of done different to achieve my original goal, on my momma I looked good. Everything else... Blasé
